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Archive for the ‘Katie Holmes’ Category

Suri Cruise is definitely an alien

Monday, July 16th, 2007

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Does anyone else see this picture and worry that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes might be keeping Suri in an oven? Because I’m pretty sure people are supposed to think that babies are “cute” or “cheerful”, not “distant” and “psychotic”. If there was ever a baby that I thought would grow up to be a threat to national security, this is the one.

Katie Holmes — uh, Katee Holmes, is a porn star

Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007

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So some 18-year-old chick with the porno name Katee Holmes is planning to become a porn star and “lose her virginity on camera”. And by “lose her virginity”, I guess she means “gang bang 30 guys like she’s been doing since she was 12″. Because no girl that aspires to be a porn star is a virgin at 18 years old. Anyway, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently upset about this, although I have no idea why:

“It’s a really cheap shot,” a rep for the actress. Holmes’ camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, “It’s really kind of sleazy, using her name like that.” A spokeswoman for Cruise said, “Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it.”

And honestly, what can she do about it? Katee has obviously changed the spelling of Katie’s name for legal purposes (okay, actually, she probably can’t spell, but whatever), so doesn’t that make it completely okay to do? I mean, the time I changed my name to “Justen Timberlake” and hundreds of girls paid to have sex with me, I didn’t get a call from Justin. Sounds like Tom is just being far too controlling again.

Tom Cruise really, really wants Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham to be a scientologists. Really.

Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

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Apparently Tom Cruise has become so demanding of Katie Holmes that she’s spent hours crying to her friend Victoria Beckham about it:

When Tom Cruise lets his inner control freak get the best of him, there’s one person Katie Holmes, 28, knows she can count on for a shoulder to cry on: her British best friend Victoria Beckham.

“Katie has been crying over the phone,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “She’s frustrated. Tom is denying her every single thing.”

Tom also has apparently been trying to convince the Beckham’s to convert to scientology, and has called them up to 18 times in one hour trying to convince them of it:

And Beckham has seen how domineering Cruise can be firsthand. A source close to the 44-year-old actor tells Us that he is relentlessly trying to convince the ex-Spice Girl, 32, and her husband, soccer star David Beckham, 31 (who are moving to L.A. this year), to convert to his religion.

“Victoria is sick and tired of Tom being on her back about Scientology,” says the source. “Victoria is an old-fashioned British woman who believes in God. She finds it quite rude that Tom is bugging her so much. Not too long ago, Tom left 18 messages in one hour to get them to join the church.”

And while this story is really interesting and all, I still want to know what it’s like for Victoria to have a friend that’s a giant. I wonder if Katie Holmes carries her around in her coat pocket and sneaks her into all of the hottest… uh, Dawson’s Creek reunion meetings.

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Katie Holmes is a giant

Monday, March 5th, 2007

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When you’re eight feet tall and tower over your husband like Katie Holmes does, it’s probably not good to hang out with midgets. And by midgets, I mean Tom Cruise. Or anyone shorter than Tom Cruise for that matter. Like Victoria Beckham. Is it normal to be the average height of a 14-year-old when you’re 32?

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Finally, a year and a half after getting engaged, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to be married on November 18th in Italy. Normally I’d try to find a less-than-flattering picture of the two to accompany this story, but I figured a clip of the Tom and Katie impersonators from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure 2006 would be a lot more fun to look at.

Tom Cruise is “concerned” about Katie’s weight

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Reports are saying that Tom Cruise is “concerned” about Katie Holmes‘ baby fat, and is trying to be “very supportive” in helping her lose it. And if I’ve ever seen a PR firm try to spin a really, really negative story in a positive, it’s this one. Basically, this means that Tom is up Katie’s ass because he thinks she’s too fat to be seen in public with him. Hell, she’s already looks like a giant next to him — if she gains any more weight people might start calling him Thumbelina.

High quality candid paparazzi pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes watching Connor and Isabella play sports on September 30th, 2006:

More hq candid paparazzi pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes watching Connor and Isabella play sports, after the jump. (more…)

Suri Cruise is alive. And might be chinese.

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006


(click to enlarge)

I’m not saying Katie Holmes slept around, but Suri Cruise sure doesn’t bare a resemblance to Tom Cruise. Then again, Suri doesn’t really bare a resemblance to Katie, either. You’d think that they at least would have hired a baby of the same race for these pictures. Oh well. At least we got to see “Suri” before she went off to college.

Weekly Roundup for July 9, 2006 - July 15, 2006

Saturday, July 15th, 2006

Do you have an affinity for flaming pirates or computer animation? If not, you’re probably one of the two people that didn’t see Pirate of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest last weekend, which broke pretty much every opening weekend record in history. Lindsay Lohan showed us that her entire net worth is probably made up of bikinis, which is okay by me. We still haven’t seen Suri Cruise, but I’ve obtained a Suri Cruise birth certificate that’s probably fake. And speaking of fake, Pamela Anderson aired out her boobs in St. Tropez with a ten year old on board, which is basically the same as the kid seeing a plastic Barbie doll naked. Earlier this week, Paris Hilton claimed that she would be celibate for an entire year, but I’m pretty sure she’s already broken that promise many times over. Eva Longoria showed off her mustache by going out in public without makeup on. Lindsay Lohan got paid to give oral sex on the set of her new movie, but it’s unconfirmed whether or not it’s actually part of the story. Kevin Federline made $700,000 of his own money in the past 4 months, proving that knocking up a rich popstar really does have its advantages. Beyonce premiered a music video for her single “Deja Vu”, which basically consists of her convulsing uncontrollably in different outfits. Jessica Simpson celebrated her 26th birthday in Cabo by posing for a non-existant photoshoot and holding a blanket over her stomach. Another photo of Britney Spears was released from her Harper’s Bazaar photoshoot; I’m guessing it took them this long to finish airbrushing it. Angelina Jolie stole Jennifer Aniston’s role in an upcoming movie produced by Plan B Productions — the company started by Brad and Jennifer, and awarded to Brad in their divorce settlement. And finally, Pamela Anderson found a way to show off her rock-hard nipples while wearing both a sweater and a bra under it.

5 Most Popular Articles This Week:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is popular (10 comments)
2. Pamela Anderson is topless in St. Tropez (10 comments)
3. Proof that Suri Cruise is alive. Sort of. (9 comments)
4. Lindsay Lohan owns a lot of bikinis (8 comments)
5. Beyonce is tribal in her new “Deja Vu” music video (8 comments)

Proof that Suri Cruise is alive. Sort of.

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

TMZ has obtained a copy of Suri Cruise’s birth certificate, meaning that Katie Holmes really did give birth to a human baby and not a watermelon as previously predicted. This also backs up my theory that they’re hiding Suri in the basement until they sell her pictures to the press.

The Suri Cruise birth certificate:

Weekly Roundup for July 2, 2006 - July 8, 2006

Saturday, July 8th, 2006

Ever wanted to see Hulk Hogan wear a tube top or compete in a dance off? That’s basically what you’re getting by watching Brooke Hogan’s “About Us” music video. Jessica Simpson is free from Nick Lachey, which means that now when I have a pretend relationship with her, it’s not a pretend affair. Courtney Cox-Arquette’s daughter, Coco, pulled mommy’s bathing suit top down and revealed her nipple — possibly as payback for naming her something as ridiculous as Coco. Ashlee Simpson has become the new face of Victoria’s Secret, which means that I need to find a new source for my supermodel fantasies. Lindsay Lohan’s boobs grew three sizes over the past week, and she was sure to show them off in a skimpy little bikini on the 4th of July. I video blogged about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline possibly doing a second season of “Chaotic”, Cameron Diaz trying to become a “voluptuous woman”, Paris Hilton having “standards”, and Jessica Simpson causing a riot at the Pink Elephant Club in the Hamptons. Baby Suri Cruise either doesn’t exist, or is locked in a cage in Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘ basement, since nobody has seen her since she was born almost three months ago. Jessica Biel wore a bikini and played football, two of the three things that all women should be forced to do on a regular basis. Paris Hilton released a new version of the “Stars Are Blind” music video that’s even suckier than the original. If Justin Timberlake saying “Sexy Back” in a filtered voice over and over for 4 minutes sounds like a good time to you, you can download his new single here. Kristin Cavallari probably paid a photographer to take “candid” pictures of her on the beach. Ever wondered what it would be like to lick your armpit in public? Michelle Rodriguez did. Pamela Anderson looked hot rubbing lotion all over herself in St. Tropez, causing many people to wonder why she looked like an 80-year-old crackwhore at PETA’s “We’d Rather Bare Skin Than Wear Skin” event last week. If you’re Kate Moss, then becoming addicted to cocaine has its financial advantages. And finally, Lindsay Lohan is either attempting to bust a move or having a seizure in these pictures.

5 Most Popular Articles This Week:

1. Ashlee Simpson is the new face of Victoria’s Secret (16 comments)
2. Video Blog - Britney and Kevin might do a second season of Chaotic, Cameron Diaz is trying to become a “voluptuous woman”, Paris Hilton has standards, and Jessica Simpson caused a riot in the Hamptons (14 comments)
3. The mystery of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts (13 comments)
4. Paris Hilton’s new “Stars Are Blind” music video (12 comments)
5. Courtney Cox-Arquette nip slip (9 comments)

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